Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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