I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
