lets start a swedish sibling band together
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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