He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
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hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
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THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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