Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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