I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
