he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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