I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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