A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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