This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
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I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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