when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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