On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
