I can't breathe out the right side of my face
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
