allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
