just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
