In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
