I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
