I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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