I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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