What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you didnt know i had herpes?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
