I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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