The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
