Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
