Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
