new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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