I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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