I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Randomize
