im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
