my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
