My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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