is your mom at the bar?
if you like me you must not know who I am
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
