I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
