I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
