I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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