im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We had sex on a dog bed..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
