Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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