Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
