So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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