Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
