Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
