u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
