I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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