I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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