I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
