i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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