This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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