State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
