Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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