i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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