If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You are the jesus of drinking
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
