they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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