In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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