I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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